I am used to it.

Yesterday night as I was at the hospital with someone, to get where we was going we had to talk past the place where the people go if they tired to kill their-self. They had a open room, nurse's watching every move they make, and they was even laughing and joking. Most people would look at that like if your happy, why hurt yourself? Me? I don't. I go through the same thing. No i'm not at the hospital nor does a nurse watch over me 24/7 but I act so happy. I laugh, I make jokes, and I don't look like the person who would cut there-self or even think about killing there-self. When people look at me they see a happy person but they don't even know what is going through my mind, or anything. Sometimes I just wish someone would help me. I feel like if I ask for help people will think its for attention because I do come off as a happy person. I just want someone to look me in the eye after they ask me "Are you okay?" and then I would say "Yes :)" ... i want them to look me dead in the eye and say "No you are not, stop lying". But I honestly think no one cares that much about me to do that, even if they knew I was lying. I am trying so hard to get stronger, better but it's hard when you don't have anyone to talk to. It's hard to when people don't care about you. If anyone told me 10 years ago that I would be like this, depressed, alone, friendless, fat, ugly, etc. I would have laughed in their face. I am to the point in my life where I don't care about nothing. I give up. All day I tell myself my family cares about me and I do have friends but at the end of the day I know I am lying to myself.  I hurt so much to the point that I am used to it. I am used to waking up with dark circles and bags under my eyes because I have been crying, I am used to my mom picking my sister over me, I am used of being yelled at, hurt, used and back stabbed by everyone. And I know as a human being that nobody in this fucking world should be used to that. It hurts more than anything. But I am used to it. If I make it out of this, I will soon be okay... But I don't know if I can make it out. They say "The Teenage Years Are The Best Years of Your Life" it gets worse? If anyone feels this way or anything and just want to talk, I have plenty of ways you can reach me. Stay strong ♥

xo, 

     Brittany.

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