& just when you think it's okay, it gets worse.

I think it is time to talk about what happened with my & my boyfriend, Josh. So here is the thing. We have been best friend's for years! He lives about 10-15 minutes away and it's in a different town (we live in SMALL ASS TOWNS, I KNOW) so, he goes to a different high school. He is very popular, plays football, has good grades & could be with any girl, but he chose me. Josh has a amazing future a head of him. That's where his family comes in. His dad is a doctor and his mom is a teacher at the middle school. His sister is 13 and is so beautiful. He has that "perfect" family everyone always want's. His family is so close and they always look out for each other. Well, Josh started finding out about my cutting. Witch is NOT good. His family LOVES me. But, they expect Josh's & his sister to have a perfect girlfriend/boyfriend like them. When they found out me & him dated everyone was so happy. But things changed, and fast. After school started & his football came I felt alone. He was always at practice then with his family or his friends then on Friday nights was his games. So I never saw the only person who cared about me. School was hard. I had NO friends, & my anxiety was getting worse than ever. I smiled & kept everything that was wrong with me inside. Soon, It all effected me. I kept it in way to long. I cut more & in noticeable places. I cried every chance I could. One Sunday I was over at Josh's for his sisters birthday and after everyone left we went to his room. I could tell he was sorta mad or something because he was acting very strange. So, I was like "whats wrong" and he came over and pulled up my sleeve on my shirt. He noticed. He knew I cut. He knew. I started crying. He told me right then and there that it was going to be okay blah blah blah and said if I felt like I was going to do it again, call him, no matter what he would come to me. Well one Friday I had a awful day. Like I was really wanting to shoot myself. I could NOT take it anymore. I knew I could not tell him because he had football. So I just got ready because soon his mom was coming to pick me up & we was going to his game. When she got there it was all too late. I had done let the blade win. I was bleeding and crying. I told my dog jumped on me and she believed it. So when she left I cried myself to sleep. In between her leaving & me falling asleep Josh found out. He left football to come and hold me. Why is he so sweet? So as time went on, everything was going "okay". One day I was talking to Josh on the phone, He was talking about me cutting. I had called to say I felt like cutting and he was trying to stop me because he could not come over because his whole big ass family was over. Well, his littler sister heard him talking and later that day told his mom. mom told his dad. dad & mom talked to him. Later on I called and his phone was disconnected. His face book was gone. I called his sister, she just said he could not talk and neither could he. Soon after that I received a phone call from his mom. She told me "I was to leave him alone. He can't be with me. I needed some help because I am hurting myself. Told me that people like me needs to be sent away to a place. she said that if she ever catches him skipping any football game for me that she would tell someone I cut and they would have to make me stop. His future does not need to be ruined." and with that she hung up. After that, I cried till I threw up. After that, I felt dead. I have nobody left. I miss him. I love him. I did not make him be with me, I did not make him skip a football game for me. He chose too. He told his best friend (who is my like 2 cousin and knows i cut; he don't understand. he was like my brother but now its hard for him to understand why I self harm. I understand why he don't) that he was giving up. He needed to protect me and would find a way to talk to me again. He wrote me the sweetest note and gave it to my cousin to give to me. He told my cousin that during Christmas break he was going to sneak out & come see me. I feel bad. Because I don't want him to get in more trouble. But I need him. He is my heart, my best-friend.  We was friends forever so he knows EVERYTHING about me. He knows why I am hurting. He don't understand the pain, but the fact he still loves me, for me means so much. I love you Josh </3 Forever.