1 more day; medicine; depression; fake smiling. 12/23/12

Hi guys. So guess what tomorrow is? CHRISTMAS EVE! ♥♥♥ Who is excited? This girl! It does NOT feel like Christmas though. Anyway. This week I have a appointment with my doctor just to get a refill on my Prozac and talk about how it's doing and blah blah blah. I think I am going to see if he can up my dose. It's a big step because I am on the 10 mg and if I skip one day I have a bad breakdown. I think it will be worse if I skip something bigger than 10 mg. But, I feel like the 10 is NOT helping me. If  a up dose don't work then I will have to get off it because it just makes me worse if I don't take it one day. I take it in the morning but some mornings if I wake up late like for school, I have to run out the door so I forget to take it. I was really wanting to cut last night but something told me to just go to sleep. I can't have fresh cuts on Christmas . People will notice. Ask questions. Annoying. I sometimes think "why me, why not someone else" you know.. go through all the shit I do. But then when I think about it.. I would never want someone to hurt like I am. I don't like seeing other people hurting like me. Today I saw a girl she looked so happy so I automatically looked for cuts. Why? Why would you look for cuts if she looked happy Brittany? Because. I look happy. But, I am NOT happy. People think just because I smile and laugh and joke I am so fucking happy. No. Far from it </3

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--183 days til' I become a aunt ♥
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